I’m dying on the inside. Dying. I ain’t never felt like this before.
Those were the words I wrote while sitting in church last Sunday. I didn’t want to be there, but I knew I had to be there. I walked around simply existing while working through…processing…releasing…surviving…
I questioned God, because I didn’t understand. What was the purpose? Why me? Why did I have to go through this. GOD, WHAT DID I DO?!? I switched up the way I prayed, ensuring that I was specific in my prayer. I used to tell God anyway that He blessed me, I’d be satisfied! But I couldn’t afford to not be specific in this season!
God-can You hear me?
I cried out to Him. Literally, gutturally CRIED! I wanted to release anything that would come out. I didn’t want to put on a mask. I didn’t want to hide what I was feeling. I didn’t want to put what I was going through aside, because I couldn’t let it fester. I couldn’t let it grow. I had to let it out.
Yet I still wondered why! Why did God allow me to go through like this?!?
Over the weeks, the pain subsided. Most nights, I was able to fall asleep. I even started eating again. I felt myself getting back to normal. I felt myself beginning to live again. Yet the hurt wasn’t gone. It still reared its ugly head. It still was there.
God I still wanna know why!
I’m not sure if I’ll ever get an answer. I do know that I will allow myself the continued space and time to process, release and heal. I will not deny my emotions. I will not deny my heart. I refuse to let my hurt turn into hate.
I just want to get back to “normal”.
So I shift the way I talk to God. I rephrased my need(s) of Him. I don’t need for Him to be my Healer. I need God to be my Healing. I don’t need for Him to be my Provider. I need for Him to be my Provision. I don’t need Him to be the conduit to get what I need. I simply need Him to BE what I need. I know that’s my only way out…
God-please don’t stop listening.
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