I changed the way I prayed. I started kneeling in a submissive position to offer up my prayers. I needed to humble myself because I needed God. I muted everything, so that I wouldn’t have any distractions. Sometimes I had NOTHING on. It brought me closer to God.
I changed the way I prayed. I stopped asking God to be the conduit of what I needed. I started asking Him to BE what I needed. I needed more than a Healer. I needed God to be my Healing. I needed God to be more than my Provider. I needed Him to be my Provision.
Since God IS, I needed Him to simply BE…
And as God did His good work with me, I could feel myself changing. Getting better. But I still had my moments. I had moments where clarity was needed. I had moments where hurt and unhappiness crept back into my life. It was getting too much for me. I know God’s timing is perfect. I also knew that “cloud of darkness” continued to engulf me to a point of suffocation.
I just wanted to breathe! I just wanted to live!
I have a strong support system, but I needed more. I went online to find the perfect fit for a therapist. I then went to my insurance company’s website to make sure the provider I wanted was covered. She was ideal. She had the mental health knowledge accompanied with a spiritual context. Great! And she was covered by insurance company. Great!
But she wasn’t accepting new patients. DANG!
I kept looking. For an hour, I kept looking. Then I found one. No spiritual context, but she had other specialties that I needed AND she was accepting new patients! GREAT! I called and scheduled an appointment for the following week.
I looked forward to seeing her. I counted down until I saw her. When the day finally came, I even beat her to the office. I thought I would break down and start crying. I felt the tears welling up. But as I began to talk, they never fell. I went into detail about why I was there. I was open. I was honest. She sat and listened.
When I paused, she gave insight. Some things I already knew. I just had to come to grips with it. Some things were like…AHA!!! Some things I didn’t want to hear, because it wasn’t what I wanted. But I was free to express myself no holds barred! It was such an exhilarating feeling!
There I was, a Black woman. A saved Christian. (Not sure how you can be 1 without the other, but hey!). I love God. I love Jesus. I trust God. I believe in His Word and His promises. He has kept me thus far.
Now I have a therapist. And that’s ok. God gives us all gifts. We were summoned to “stir” them up. My therapist is simply using hers.
So I have God, Jesus…and a therapist.
God is with me all of the time.
And I get to see my therapist in a few weeks.
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